Female Code – March 2015 (Maleopause)

To give equal time to the opposite sex, I’ve placed my mind into the role of a menopausal woman (God help me!) to counter debate my Man Club post titled “Naggopause.”  So without further interruption, the following 10 words have now been genetically engineered into the mutant genes of women everywhere, through menopause supplements such as chocolate and wussy flavored coffees, as a way to communicate with their husbands.

1. Gameopause – that period of time where you are standing in a baby doll and you throw the Xbox out the window.  Here you scream at the top of your lungs –“You want an end to the sexopause or not?!”
2. Maleopause – that period you don’t want him anywhere near you.  Just hold up a hand to his face and gently whisper “Maleopause.”  He will get this as a sign that if he does not run, serious bodily damage is about to take place.
3. Milleniumopause – the word used to tell him to stop nagging about the lack of sex, or he won’t get any for 12 centuries. Touche!
4. Shadeopause – That period when a woman hits the age of age 80 and is ready for sex and all that 50 Shades has to offer.  This is also the period of time she feeds you well, exercises with you, and then ties you up to kill you, using your vast wealth from saveopause to hire Fernando DeGuicheeCoochee, her 40 year old slave and gardener.  (again, I’m just thinking like an menopausal woman).
5. Brazierreopause – that period where she flings her bra at you.  Do not be deceived, she is not telling you she wants sex, she’s hinting that your man-breasts are sagging and your identity as a man is in serious jeopardy.  She may pull out a whip from her spendopause period and enter shadeopause at the same time, demanding you firm your bad boy twins up. Egads!
6. NASCARopause – for the love of god man!  You’ll spend all day watching a car go around in circles, but can’t wash your own?  You want the naggopause to start?  Then shape up.
7. Duckopause – no you can’t just change channels to avoid the naggopause.  Get off your arse!  If he hears this she might go all 50 Shades with your duck caller and permanently affix to your anatomy, which leads to the next male period of life .
8. Fartopause – when the dynasty ducko call sounds, it’s her signal that you are entering your gassy period and for her to enter spendopause.
9. Meatloafopause – if you’re nagging about sexopause continues, this is the period of time where meatloaf becomes a daily staple – increasing fartopause, spendopause, and maleopause.
10. Divorceopause – that period of time when a woman can bring a man to his knees, without whips.

And there you have it, ten new words that women everywhere will be talking about tomorrow.  They will comment here about how uncanny I am in reading their menopausal minds.

Now I’ll just take a pause from all this writing genius.  You are welcome.