Female Code – May 2012 Edition (Bikini Sweeps)

Well, May is finally upon us and you know what that means don’t you? It’s the beginning of the female advertising sweeps period. This is when females take extreme measures to lose weight, tan and snap into those itty-bitty bikinis. All of this is in the hopes that we members of the man club will select your product (aka you) over the various generic and obviously inferior brands.

The stores are all stocked with images of fit models and you think to yourself, “I am going to look like this! I just know it.” But you ask your boyfriend or husband how you look and he immediately dives back into his video game pretending he never heard a word you said. Here is the giveaway, ladies. If he is sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably, he heard you. It’s our survival mechanism.

Some women will go to extra lengths to grab that attention. I’ve heard some ladies refer to it as “tramp stamps.” Now before you get defensive over this, just know it is your competitors that have labeled your brand of advertising as such. We guys videotape your branding wars with “Cat Fights Gone Wild”. We guys only sample the product with our eyes. It’s like a video game radar that leads us unconsciously to a dangerous and forbidden chamber. Then we get smacked upside the head and virtual reality is replaced with painful reality.

Many, many years ago, I took my wife to Hawaii. Let me tell you the Hawaiian brand of women are much, much different than Okie brands. There was so much merchandise flashing by me that even video games could not equal the seizure I was witnessing. My loving and very understanding wife of four years simply said, “Enjoy this, you won’t see it again for a very long time. So stop sweating and shaking.” Well that was 27 years ago. She was so prophetic it’s scary.

I am surprised with all the technology we have today that bikinis don’t have fiber optic displays that light up and present additional messages and images. Wow, that’s I great idea and I just invented it! Even better, the same technology embedded in the skin to give that instant tan look or just give that tramp stamp a Las Vegas touch.

So ladies…get your mating game attire on! It’s embedded in your female code, you can’t help it. Besides, there are just so many beer gut, video game addicted guys available on the men’s brand aisle. Lucky you!