I read via many sources that people are flipping out over actors and actresses signed on to do parts in Diana Gabaldon’s – Outlander series and E.L. James – 50 Shades of Grey series.  As an epic fantasy author (not ever to be confused with erotic fantasy), I want a reader to enjoy a story, possibly even contemplate life’s great mysteries.  But…  for a fan to go all chicken headless, missile ballistic, nutszoid – well that’s just plain silly.

I often debate (synonym: argue) with my wife about details in my stories.  I contend a reader should use his or her own imagination to visualize what they wish.  An author who does provide such extreme detail almost deserves the literal storming of the Bastille.  I don’t read that much.  Why?  Because there are usually 18 hours of extra filler in most books that add nothing to the story. Some writers love filler, it justifies the price, I suppose.  If I really want that much visual detail, I’ll wait for the movie, they are actually cheaper than the book.  I have a vivid imagination and can play off the simplest of an author’s descriptions.  Now if I wrote a narrative like this:

“Jenny couldn’t get over how much Harvey looked like Stephen King, except for the large wart on his eyelid.”

If the hypothetical story of Harvey ever made it to the big screen – I’d have all the Annie’s of the world wanting to crucify me, because Harvey wasn’t Stephen King, a close resemblance, and the wart wasn’t big enough.  (Annie Wilkes, the obsessed fan in Stephen King’s – Misery)

Authors are actually getting hate mail and death threats over the choices for the parts in movies or TV series.  To counter the chance that readers may ever get overly obsessed with my characters, know this, I have a sword and I will relieve you of your head that contains all those free roaming mixed nuts.  I repeat, I write fantasy, meaning a story completely made up.  It isn’t real.  You will survive…  The characters are immortal.  Therefore I place a little surgeon general’s warning on each of my books:

This story is a work of fantasy. Details have been withheld for fear of retaliation upon the author by nutzoid fans.
It is therefore, respectfully requested, that you take your med’s before the beginning of each chapter.

I was advised, by my attorney, that the legal fine print would never be read, as are an author’s notes or forewards (pronounced: “Four Words”).  Therefore, it had to be written as the first part of the prologue, with emphasis, such as:

Prologue

This story is a work of fantasy. Details have been withheld for fear of retaliation upon the author by nutzoid fans. It is therefore, respectfully requested, that you take your med’s before the beginning of each chapter.

Jenny loved the wart on Harvey’s nose, it was huge and grotesque, just like a Stephen King horror novel.

You are hooked, right?  It was the wart, admit it, you are smitten by the wart.

You also notice these fans never go ballistic over the ugly people in the books, just the perfect people.  So, don’t make them perfect.  Never use words like: godly, gorgeous, kilt, latex, guitar, Knight, sparkling, whips, chains, hubba hubba, drooling, lapdog, stud, Christian, Edward, Porsche, chocolate, espresso, or billionaire.  If you do, you are setting yourself up for the fall.

I am writing this humor piece because I love satire, which is meant to expose the absurdity of mortal life as we know it, and to help us become better nutzoids by exposing said absurdities.  Now that you know what satire is, maybe you nutzoid’s should give satirist  a little taste of your frustration.  We authors would appreciate the break.

So, Diana and E.L., pay attention.  If you need a little protection, call 1-800-IHAMISH.  Where my motto is:

I have blade and

I have my own tartan.

Have a nutzoid fan?

  I’ll be there to go all Spartan!

Diana, just lend me the traveling stones.

E.L., just control yourself, please! Grrrrr……

Countdown to nutzoid ballistic blastoff reader response is 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1.