I’ve never had really deep thoughts about an obituary until today. A 29 year-old lady at my office told me I was sweet for opening the door and answering her QuickBooks questions. My reply was that I was sweet because I didn’t want my obituary to read:
“Mauled by female workers for not being sweet.”
I am outnumbered 14-1 in this accounting practice. I need not say anything further on the subject matter. This prompted me to have really deep thoughts on other potential obits such as,
“Mauled by 50 Shaders who hated his blog posts.”
“Mauled by Female Coders.”
“Overexposed to love by 20 grandchildren.”
“Drowned in the slobbery of his Golden Retriever.”
“Massive brain trauma trying to figure out how quickly clients foul up a set of QuickBooks.”
“Died on an Oklahoma freeway going 25 MPH, on a clear sunny day.”
“Died on an Oklahoma freeway, by a drunk, texting Okie, driving a flaming 1976 Ford Pinto, during a polar vortex 12″ ice layer, driving 85 MPH.”
“Died on an Oklahoma freeway accidentally running into a Lazy Boy recliner, Mathis Brothers Sofa, or a Sleep number mattress.”
“Caught pneumonia running into front yard when polar vortex suddenly appeared overnight.”
“Suffocated under his wife’s quilts.”
“Murdered when wife reads above obit.”
“Murdered by wife when she reads 29 year-old says he’s sweet.”
“Murdered by wife when she learned he was sweet.”
“Died at desk preparing his 60,000,000 Form 1040.”
“Died in his sleep, wife suspected in murder when recording reveals he uttered his first fiancées name.”
“Found blown to bits after toilet seat left lifted.”
These are quite gruesome to say the least. But there is a recurring theme here, that I want investigated should I actually die.
“Man killed from blog posts. Female assailants too many to narrow down. Authorities press charges against wife.”
I suppose I should clean up my act and get away from Oklahoma as fast as I can.
Naaaaawwww….. that wouldn’t be any fun.
