For the last three weeks we have had crappy weather, which in turn lasts until Monday, so that the crappiest day of all the week is crappified by the power of ten. If you have 3 crappy weather systems spun by polar vortices you get crap to the power of ten, tripled. Whatever. I haven’t used high level math since college. The point is, enough crap already! If I were the weather chipmunk, squirrel, or any variety of rather large rodent, even I’d take a bite out of the mayor’s ear for pulling me out of my comfy earthen bunker, interrupting the “Dancing with Rodents” season finale.
I get it, I get it – we are in a cycle of weather chaos created by global weather changing chaos. People in Alaska are actually at the beach surfing with the Kodiaks, a bear weighing half a ton, not a couple you just met from Arkansas, while I’m here in Oklahoma writing a crappy blog that 3 people subscribe to – all family members. I want to be outside, running around in my shorts, planting a garden and mowing my lawn like a man. But the forecasters keep giving me more crap with winter storms Quantum, Rectal and Squantum – all just days apart. My skin is so dry and my Eczema is so intense, I have dried skin flakes all around my face. See!
People in Boston are literally building ten story snow condo’s and charging rent. Recent photographs show the Nantucket looking like a giant Slurpee machine. All this explains the odd accent of Bostonians, their lips are frozen! Pipes are bursting in DC, while our politicians are on lobbyist junkets to Costa Rica, creating a government budget chaos. But never fear, politicians are cold-blooded creatures and they will survive, they don’t know the difference, nor the meaning of the word “budget”.
This winter has interrupted my tax season more than ever, with several Monday’s being missed, forcing me to work Sundays. Crap to the power of ten, tripled. They say that all this cold may find us with a baby boom. How? Why is anyone going to get naked in this cold? My wife has ten layers of quilts on the bed, thermal underwear and an artic burka on. Even if I could move under the crushing weight of the quilts to make a move, de-clothing my wife would result in cardiac arrest.
The ice age is upon us and yet according to Scientific American, we can expect a rapid warming. And that’s bad?! If so, then warming, cooling, nor change is the appropriate word for our weather, just chaos. We have only a few more letters left to name winter storms, then we start all over. I keep hoping a scene out of the blockbuster movie inspired by Algorisms, “Global Crappy Chaos“, has DC frozen over in a matter of hours so that all the activities of the IRS, including email destruction, comes to halt finally fulfilling the preamble to the constitution – “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Hey, if you are going to have crappy weather, let’s have something positive come from it.
My point is this, life will give you plenty of crap, and weather will simply pile more of it on. So all we can do is pull our big person thermal underwear up and deal with it the best way we can. All I can do is provide cold crappy humor, and that should be a warming thought.
You are welcome.
Now chime in, what crappy weather story do you have to share?
