Once you turn 50 you begin to receive unsolicited membership packages from AARP. You know them -they are the group that advocates and sells products to old people. Hey! AARP – read my Blog! I am not OLD yet! I’m properly seasoned, like a fine filet mignon. Yet my shredder is getting tired of the member cards I keep receiving, even though I NEVER SIGNED UP! What does it take for their database to finally get it? I’m not interested!
The day that I need Life Alert’s “Help I’ve fallen and can’t reach my beer!” is the day I will sign up. The day I retire is when I’ll give you a call. But at the speed my trilogy is selling, I’ll die at my desk writing the last sentence of the last book to my complete mythology. Then I’ll join.
Age is a frame of mind, not the turning of a birth date. I was still playing basketball and flag football when I turned 50. Try prospecting your potential members first with the following questions:
- Do you own a hover round?
- Do you have a walker?
- Do you have a catapult Lazyboy?
- Do have handy wipes near the toilet?
- Do you find yourself screaming frequently for people to speak up?
- Do you buy Ensure in bulk at Sam’s Club?
- Do you clap on and clap off?
- Do you have a cabinet full of little blue pills?
- Do you look forward to your social meetings during your colonoscopy?
- Has Raisin Bran replaced Coco Puffs as your morning meal?
- Do you frequent $4.99 all you can eat buffets?
- Do you look forward to seeing Barry Manilow in Vegas?
- Do you own a Jitterbug phone?
This might help you save millions in unnecessary paper and postage expense, and lower your member’s fees. As you can see, I can answer each question with a resounding “NOOOO!” Now if you want to help me sell my stories, then call again.
Tell me reader – what will it take to finally convince you that you are indeed old? Be nice now.
