Female Code – July 2013 Edition (Menopausal Bombs)

Welcome friends to the hottest month of the year – July.  It is also the month from Hades if you are living with a woman just beginning menopause.  For decades I have fought my wife over the air conditioning thermostat.  I needed it to be cool in the summer to sleep.  My wife needed a quilt to survive those decades.  Now as I enter the twilight years of my life (no, not the sparkling vampire Edward – the hell has frozen over Edward), I find myself increasing the thermostat and kicking off the A/C. This results in my wife getting overheated like a 1979 Ford Pinto, a ticking time bomb ready to go off.

One day the good lord and I will have a talk about the female code.  My question will be direct,

“What the heck were you thinking?!”

“My son, there are tests that one must go through in life to reach wisdom.  There are the seven deadly sins and there are the offsetting saving virtues.  You must go through each before you can enter one of the seven heavens.”

For those of you not familiar with the seven deadly sins, here they are:

Sister

Girl

Girlfriend

Fiancée

Wife

Mother

Menopausal Bomb

I’ve read the bible from beginning to end, several times, and no where does it refer to menopause.  If it had, there may be no human race to worry about.  You’d get to Genesis wherein if it had been edited correctly we would have read,

And Adam reached the age of 54 and Eve turned 54.  Eve grew a mustache and beard and legs hairier than Methuselah.  One evening Eve caught on fire, which Adam mistook for the burning bush and he said, “Not tonight Lord, it was a rough day with Cain and Abel on the golf course OMG!”

This is when Eve kicks him out of the bed and tells him to go sleep on the rock – of Gibraltar.  It was then that the world first caught a glimpse of Hades – “Hell hath no fury like a hormonal woman”, except the demons of Hades created the very first chartered Man Club and forbade any female members.  This why Pradatory was created.  It is a spiritual halfway house for exorcised obsessive and possessive female succubi, filled with nothing more than a cackling of women hens endlessly rummaging around outlet malls, never able to find the right size, color or price to suit their fashion needs.  Here there are a bazillion female souls all yacking at the same time, with no one to listen.  They flee into the ethereal world and attack men in their sleep with dreams wherein the age-old question arises, “Do I look fat in this Prada?” It is a miserable place and the women tear each other to shreds over 50% off Coach purses.  Even Dante feared to write his own interpretation of this replica of hell – The Divine Diva Madness.

The lord has told me that one virtue will save me above all else and that is Patience.   It’s a good thing that most men lose their hearing – this is the only aid to assist us with Patience, other than golfing. So turn up Van Halen’s great single “Why Can’t This Be Love?”  to 398 decibels until your ears ring with pain.  Then you must learn the art of agreeable nodding.

Women who enter menopause present a whole new series of mutated genetics and our journey to understand this beast called “Woman,” which was created from spare BBQ ribs, will be further out of reach.  Oops, my wife is calling me.  Time to go golfing and I suck at golf. (sigh)

Disclaimer – remember ladies this is just humor, not reality.  If this offends you in any way, go tell your husband.  Just make sure your decibel level is 400.