Apocalypse Monthly – Spring Break 2013

I just read another blogger’s hilarious take on spring break trip to Six Flags San Antonio.  It has been years since I ventured to a theme park, let alone a Walmart store. Why?  If you ever want to experience empirical evidence of devolution and digression just pick a spot where our youth hang out and socialize in long lines.   In just one week your precious son or daughter can leave and come back a different person, from a different planet, from a different dimension, and from a different species.  Girls Gone Wild was just a mild way of putting it, Girls Gone Insane is more descriptive. Young men are are already wild, but add girls gone wild and their heads just explode.

Must of us cringe at the sight of the People of Walmart photos.  Guess what?  That’s your little Johnny or Victoria in just a couple of more decades.  What devolves next is that little Johnny or Victoria will be calling you to see if their soul mate (the one they met on spring break) and soul children (The byproduct of soul-mating on spring break) can unconditionally rent (meaning free of course) your basement  from you. I am so sorry, you poor soul.

Down there they become cave creatures, only venturing forth from their endless days of video game tournaments, to check up on your stock of extra crunchy cheesy Cheetos.  If none are available, they will venture outside like cheese craving vampires, only after darkness arrives and head straight for Walmart, where they socialize.  They might get distracted if a tattoo shop is in their path.  Never, ever, venture to a Walmart after dark!  You know how dogs sniff each others behinds?  Well our youth are becoming closer to dogs than to humans.  Don’t believe me?  See the evidence below.

Years from now some guy named Bob (at birth) will come up to your daughter Victoria in Walmart, see the little heart tattoo, all stretched and sagging into the cracks of doom and yell out, “Yo Vicky Yo! It’s me Crunchy Cheezy Cheetos RayJay Bob-Z.  Spring break Dayton Beach 2013! Doncha ya remember babeeeee?”   Now Victoria’s best friend Buffy, whose cute little butterfly is now the subject of a major motion picture – The Girl With the Really Scary Dragon Tattoo, turns to Bob and says, “Prove it’s you!”

Then they all hug and recall the two minutes of spring break they remember before the haze set in.  They then turn to their smartphones and exit the Walmart back to party in their cave.

When I was in high school and college, I loved going to the Texas State Fair on the weekend of OU/TX football game.  It was on the Midway that I began noticing the slow devolution of the human species.  I don’t do this anymore, nor shop at Walmart and I avoid spring break destinations like the plague.  I may not be hippity-hoppity, tantalizingly tattooed, or even cool-Z, but I will survive the coming devolution apocalypse – a result of addictions to spring break wildness.

I’ve been hoarding extra crunchy cheesy Cheetos.