Where has all the humor gone? Only IF…

We are nearing the end of 2017 and if you read the news or hashtags on social media you realize quickly we have lost our humor.  If we post anything it will either be considered sexist, bigoted, racist, or non-humanist.  This is why I am no longer picking on humans, but technology created by humans.  Technology is cold and sterile and has very limited logic to find itself offended, unless it has human overrides to insert illogical code like the following:

IF poster insults code
THEN flash middlefinger.jpg
ENDIF

Well you see, I’ve a little bit of programming experience and it all begins with the IF statement.  But these little code jewels can become rather complex if you nest multiple illogical IF’s, like the following:

IF poster is looking at sexy photo
THEN INSERT lawsuit
ELSEIF poster drooling
THEN take photo of poster with his own camera as evidence for lawsuit
ELSEIFIF
THENIFIF poster not whistling, drooling or looking at photo
EXIT shut down poster for being insensitive for lack of attention
ENDIF
ENDIF
ENDIF

Now this is all code for an Artificial Intelligence engine that has to make value judgments by computing 2,348 NESTED IFS all at the rate of 23 million nanoseconds.  If you don’t select LIKE or RETWEET you are bombarded with hate responses.  Soon the ELSE statement will be replaced with OR#ELSE, as seen in the following code:

IF partner veers attention to CallOfDuty35
THEN ask politely to turn off and give attention
IF partner pretends to not hear
THEN shout loudly
OR#ELSE break new fruitcake lamp his momma gave him for Christmas over his fathead
ENDIF
ENDIF

And don’t leave out the BUT.BUT.IF statement,

BUT.BUT.IF I’ve only been playing video.games for <=48.hours
THEN I’m not ignoring you SWEET.HEART
END.BUT.BUT

Maybe artificial intelligence will wipe out the IF statement and create something completely logical so that no one can be offended. When you press post it should say “Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?” If you press YES, it gives you one last chance, “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.” This brilliant code might look like this,

#HEY.STUPID.U #POST.THIS.U.MORON
THEN pack to Siberia DISPLAY “”Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?”
PRESS.2ND = TRUE
ELSE send #TERMINATOR DISPLAY “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.”
STOP ALL BUT.BUTS
#END.STUPID.U

We have spell check, but how about “meaning check?”  This way it can tell you how much trouble and the wrath of Twitter will be rained down upon you.  Now I’d pay for that form of technology.

Only IF.