Today I noticed a new Facebook feature titled “snooze”. At first I was elated, nothing would be more apropos than to click this feature and have a snoring sound project on people whose posts are too long or politically charged. I mean come on, 2017 was the year that Facebook and other social media sites have been targeted for political and other social slamming. Everyone is slamming everyone, making the Game of Thrones series appear like child’s play. Sadly, I was informed that it just puts a follower on pause for 30 days. Well, hell. Where’s the fun in that? Give me a pause feature, that posts a picture of a person with his hand waving a pointed index finger and saying, “you’ve been paused for 30 days, no offense.” I was hoping I could even send a messenger notification that I was going to snore on someone, so it wouldn’t hurt their feelings too much. You see, I’m not a PC person. If someone is whinning on Facebook I want to send them a Facebook coloring book for adults along with a pacifier. I just want to help people.
So with this in mind, here are the features Mr. Ruckerberg, I mean Mr. Burgerberg, no wait it’s Mr.s Zingerberger, oh whatever his name is, that I want these top ten items to be added in 2018:
- Snore – not sneeze or snooze, but snore. I want to help those that I’m following know that I do read their posts, but have difficulty staying awake through it all. I’ve recorded my wife’s snoring. Trust me, it can wake the dead.
- Shock – a feature that sends an electrical shock to the fingers of the poster to let them know they just shocked you with their content, and that Mother Carol at divinity school never taught you such language.
- Rose or Fart – this is where the computer, connected to an oil diffuser can send either a bed of roses or a rather rude farting sound along with an obnoxious and toxic smokescreen of thick green gas into the air. The full intent is to reward you for good behavior or punish so severely they dare not post such dribble again. It may be toxic, but it’s non-violent tough love. You may hear your parents, roommate, lover, or children (or all of them at once) scream out, “Cheesus Rice! Check your britches… puhleeze!”
- Mass Extinction – this delightful click icon will send your post to all 700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 (latest count) Facebook followers so that SHLSJW (Super Hero League Social Justice Warriors) will rain down on you, after they finish their coloring books and cosplay convention. Don’t worry, you can also click on the Australian Outback Safe Space button to have Mr. Singerburger send you a one way ticket there without any ability of being traced ever again. That sounds like a lot of fun.
- Instant Facetime – this click allows you to take control of the poster’s computer and camera to see if they really are a hot chick from Cleveland that requested a messenger connection named “Izaneed Love”, or Bubba of Bubba’s Bubbaburgerberg six patty jumbo burgers. Okay, on second thought, scratch that idea… No wait, there’s still the mass extinction button there so that you can reunite all the other “Izaneed Love’s” in the world. Go ahead and keep that one, yea, yea.
- Momma – this simply posts everything to your momma, who is not on Facebook, in a brown paper special mail delivery package. Included will be an Amazonia, Inc. shock & stress squeeze ball. Every time she sees the mail person delivering a brown wrapper marked DinkerFaceBerg, Inc. one little squeeze and you’ll get the meaning of “Slap on, Slap off”. Wait, you say that’s not the original slogan. Well, laddy dah, it appears I’ve just started a new trademarked trend. You read it here first, so don’t try to capitalize on it Mr. Finglebursterberganeggar.
- YTREWQ – this click button reverses your QWERTY key board and pauses you for 30 days until you act like a nice child with manners, this goes for all you baby-boomers out there. Everything you type will be typed backwards and from right to left. People will also think you are stoned. If you try to type everything backwards it will reverse automatically.
- NITAL GIP – this click is if you try to fool the AI engine at Facebook by using voice recognition overriding #7 above. What will happen is that your posts will be translated to Pig Latin and played in reverse. If you try to talk in reverse pig latin, it will be reversed again into a rapper’s version of “You light up my life”. People will think you are on drugs and a formal investigation will take place by the FBI. They will think you’ve colluded with the government of grebrekcuZ of the planet Koobecaf to affect the outcome of WWIII.
- Nunya – this when you get those unsolicited friend or messenger requests from some hottie wearing a thong, or Bubba wearing a thong once you press #5 above, and have all your future pictures posted layered over their half naked body with a nun outfit. This should reduce the number of scamming in the system.
- Bullya – similar to shaming someone with a nun outfit, the last button to stop and deliver justice for anyone found bullying another person. This feature finds your true identity and sends your address to Uber Guido, Inc. These guys have shovels and are very resourceful of placing people into permanent hiding. No one has still found Hoffabergameister or whatever his name was.
Now I know this doesn’t cover Twitter, but if you can, please add a feature in Twitter, I call it the “Flitter” that will send a little butterfly flittering across the screen that will connect you to a direct feed of “Izaneed Love”, aka Bubba, in his thong for 30 days as a means of cleaning up our attitudes.
Finally, can someone simply create a Hackerberg button in all apps to locate Hackers that will immediately send Uber Guido to their location? We can be a shining example for the universe, if you only just give me the power to rule it.
Happy New Year folks.
