I’m Back!

Okay I took some time off to make a living instead of entertaining my followers for free.  After two years on Kauai, it is time to move back to the mainland to find employment in – Florida.  Well, if you can’t have Hawaii, Florida will do just fine.  There’s still plenty of hot humid days and nights to remind me of Hawaii, just no mountains.  As a matter of fact the highest place on Florida is about 240 above sea level.  Must be a landfill.

During my time off from writing I was able to to witness more insanity of the world.  We have a new President who is going to make things… well, very interesting.  We had the election cycle where 16 traditional Republicans couldn’t beat this one guy.  We had a Democrat who was almost upstaged by a socialist and we had email leaks that suggested voters were “unaware and compliant”.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all something new comes along to blow your mind, such as Labiaplasty, read all about it here.  I won’t comment any further on this topic, except to say I think the Russians are up to no good. You decide if we have all lost our minds.

In researching Florida with my wife we discovered there are Alligators, Crocodiles, Pythons, Nile Monitor lizards, and Mosquitoes the size of Pterdactyls. I just kidded with a friend that our goal is still to own acreage and establish a small farm. We’ll section off a bit for tourists so they can see these monsters. In good ole west Texas redneck fashion I’ll call this section “You Bet Yourassic Park” and will be available to all the unaware and  compliant tourist. I discriminate against no one for a fee of $100 (cheaper than Disney).  Although, I do have a small wall that will cost you $10 to scale and enter and another $50 to scale over when I let loose of the creatures of my lagoon.  Hey, I gotta make up for lost revenues living in Hawaii.

We will give Bonita Springs a go, until they kick us out because of this blog.  At least I will have one thing in common with a vast majority of people there, I’m AARP eligible or a current member, which means buffet’s have a 10% discount.  So now after two years of trying to learn the Hawaiian language in vain, I can switch to speaking Spanish.  This I have some actual experience with living most of my life in Texas.  Here’s just a sample:

“Hey you, hurry up with that Mai Tai – Sus Muy Urgente!”

But if I choose to look like a foreign tourist I can fake my language with a combination of French Hawaiian German Japanese when ordering food.

“Mahalo nui loa arigatou gozaimasu actung humumunukukuapua’a s’il vous plait.”  When they ask what the hell I was saying, I’ll just translate for them,

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll have the reef trigger fish please.”

I’m sure you have all missed me, wondering if I have committed harakiri or was just plain committed.

Well, I’m back.