Rev up your engines, the GCX3 model is due this October. This means my daughter is giving birth to my third grandchild this October. I have two strapping grandsons named Brogan and Beckett (born this August), soon to be All-American linebacker duo at the University of Oklahoma (if I have a say in it). But my daughter is having a girl, which means I have to polish the shotgun and oil the rusty shovel and get my papa language and evil eye back into practice with the old alert,
You see that girl there young man? That’s my granddaughter. You make her cry, I make you cry – capiche? She wants you gone, you are gone. See this gun and shovel? I’m an expert with them. I’m a grandfather!
My daughter will never admit it, but I scared every single young man who came near me. They’d run to the door, ring the bell and then run like a banshee back to their car waiting for her to run equally like a banshee to escape. Luckily my son-in-law is in the military, so he understands rank and respect, well, okay, rank then.
But it dawned on me. Crap. I’m old! Gone are the days when girls whistled at me on the beach, nowadays when I hear whistling I suck in that gut as hard as I can, turning blue like William Wallace going into battle, with the expectation it was all about me, when in fact it was about some dog, marking his spot on my leg.
“Bad spot, bad spot.. you peed on the Uncle!”
My lawn guy tells me you know you are old when all the young girls call you “Uncle.” That’s Hawaiian for “Old Fart.” In English it means to surrender, capitulate, give in to the pain of a wrestling match you have no chance in hell winning. So call me Uncle Hamish. But… I won’t capitulate entirely, because I live in Hawaii and that makes me cool papa #1! I will now go by the Rap stage name of 1CoolPapa.
Who’s yo daddy, who’s ya papa?
Who can take out the trash and sling the mopa?
I ain’t yo uncle and I ain’t ya momma
Cuz I be beachin, Ima 1CoolPapa.
But, I digress. (If that rendition does not cure you of Rap, nothing will.)
So now as the hot Hawaiian days pass into college football season, I can sit back and plan all the trips we need to take to visit these miracles of life, so that I can spoil the daylights out of them. It’s wonderful being a grandparent. I cherish every stinking Karma filled moment. So if my kids get upset with me I’ll go back into my Gangsta Rap mode.
I was yo daddy, but now Ima papa
This gives me perks and for yo momma
You can throw me out and I still be smilin
Cuz during naptime I’ll be dialin and callin
You say the kids are now stinking rotten,
well that’s Karma or have ya forgotten!
I ain’t yo uncle and I ain’t ya momma
Cuz I be beachin, Ima 1CoolPapa.
Guess who doesn’t get invited for Christmas to deliver the drum, microphone, and amplifier sets?
Absurd? You betcha!
