Every month I will try to lampoon a political topic for your enjoyment or word rage. This March Madness edition is about the 32-hour workweek. Yours truly will act as the chairman of the labor relations committee as he is debating the bill introduced by fictitious Senator Mr. Burn’s.
EW: I call this committee open for discussion of Senate Bill 32 – the lesser week of work, workweek. Mr. Burn’s you state that workers are 400% more productive than they were pre-COVID, because they work from home in their pajamas or nude, which ever the way the wind blows. If true, wouldn’t they need only to work 10 hours to achieve 100% productivity?
Mr. Burns’: Wow, never thought of that! I’m sure my constituents would love that?
EW: Is it true you want employees you represent to be paid for 40 hours even though they work 32?
Mr. Burn’s: That is true that way they can enjoy life, take care of kids, parents, or engage in real money from OilyFans modeling.
EW: I’ve read that most don’t like working 8-hour days and that the 9-5 regimen is so terribly demanding and crushing life as they know it. Is this true as well?
Mr. Burn’s: Yes it is, they prefer 6 hour days.
EW: Uh, 32 is not divisible by 6, but by 8. Are they willing to work two 16-hour days and have a 3-day workweek? Or would they want to work a 5-day week for only 2 hours per day? Maybe three 6 hours days, followed by a one day 12-hour shift?
Mr. Burns: This is getting confusing EW, why so much math?
EW: You can come back next after you have addressed the number of hours that can be agreed upon. It is also my understanding from a video we watched that OilyFans prime content creation is between the hours of 2pm to 4:30pm, or in some cases 2pm to 2:15 pm for most men content contributors. These are school hours, and the little adult humans don’t need parents anymore. Prime Kit Kok hours are between 10-11am, while drag queen make-up preparation is between 4am and 10am. Based on these “needs”, what hours are they open to work?
Mr. Burns: My constituents will have to get back to me on this one.
EW: Okay, now on to taxes and national security. Do your constituents also understand that the free paid day is still subject to Income, Social Security, and Medicare taxes, just as though they worked a 40-hour work week? And that those taxes are used to pay current beneficiaries their benefits and COLA’s? Are they aware that we must also take the net of the free day to fund save the democracy of Uwabistan, partial interest on the $34.5 trillion accumulated deficits, and the Senate’s free Friday’s golf outings? You like to golf Mr. Burns? We do.
Now Mr. Burn’s head is throbbing as his eyelids sag, and mouth wide open.
EW: Mr. Burn’s? Are you okay?
Mr. Burn’s: “Mr. EW, after careful consideration, just F*$% it! I will withdraw the bill.”
Editor’s Note: Of course no bill ever goes like this, except when it can be embedded in another bill some 26,000 pages long. And heaven forbid poli-tickians work a 32 hour work week.
Absurd? You betcha!
