Life in the Slow Lane

Back in the 70’s I saw the Eagles in concert in Fort Worth, Texas. There they dazzled us with their Hotel California tour with songs like Life in the Fast Lane and of course Hotel California. I remember muscle cars, not modified lawnmowers on highways, and when people actually moved. This blog is dedicated to the observation that we are actually slowing down, becoming slugs on the streets and in the fast lanes of the highways.  I hope that you will share your craziest moment of highway or street insanity with me.

You’ve seen them, those people who drive in the left lane exactly the speed limit because they were appointed by the powers to control traffic speed, except when you try to pass in the center lane they speed up, protecting their precious real estate.  My mother-in-law is one of them.  Her comment made it clear, “I paid my taxes and I can drive here if I wish.”  Funny I thought there was a law!  I know there’s a sign. Surely you have seen them too.

But pay no attention to signs, those are just guidelines, right? I’ve always wondered how the far left lane can come to a complete stop.  There’s no merging traffic!  It’s the fast lane, right?

Then there’s speed limit signs. Where I live we have zones of 35 mph, except the slugs go 25-30. It’s only when the slugs turn on to residential streets that it becomes the autobahn. Then there’s the autotexters. No, it’s not a new gadget for auto texting, but the primal urge to text and drive while going 55 in a 70 mph highway zone. I’ve seen people text and talk on their dumbphones the second they strap on the safety harness, which is completely ironic, don’t you agree? What on this precious green earth is so important to get on the phone the second you strap yourself into a 6,000 pound slow moving missile of metal… well, more like plastic these days, but you get my drift.  What gives?  I really want to understand the importance.  I turn 55 this year and I still can’t drive my age.  Get home faster and talk face-to-face, socialize in the flesh!!!

Then there’s the truckers! Ever noticed when you are gaining on them they pull into the left lane at the last minute, simply because they don’t want to slow down, even though they create a traffic jam ten miles long behind you. There you can see them giggling in their side mirror at their NASCAR inspired strategy. But what can you do? Tailgate them? So you patiently wait until they get out of the way and hit the accelerator to 80, just in time for the highway patrolman to catch you on their radar.  You just can’t win!

Tailgating is getting much worse, some punk in his modified lawnmower runs up behind you with his music bass pounding so hard they think they can intimidate you to move faster, except I’m going as fast as the people in front of me.  If you move over to the center lane they give you some gang signal they learned on MTV right as they slam on the brakes with rubber burning.  Then, you pass them by because for some reason the middle lane is moving faster.  Maybe I’m just a better driver and know when it’s time to change lanes.

Just the other day I pulled to the side of a Porsche Panamera. He was going slow, no one was tailgating, nor was he tailgating, he was just taking his time loving the commute into downtown. What a sicko! Doesn’t he remember Sammy Hagar’s song “I can’t drive 55?” But he was. Oh how the times have changed. Today green means – pump your brakes and yellow means – gun it Charlie! Red means nothing if no one is watching. Speed bumps are thrill rides, school zones are for rebels without a cause, and signs, well, signs are for people who read signs, which we know they aren’t because their eyes are on the dumbphones.

You would think in this day of technology that can automatically drive cars, we could have microchips at each sign that sends alerts like, “Hey Buddy, your going 60 in the fast lane – GET OUTTA THE WAY!” Or, you know how you can swipe those QPR codes and get instant prices on products, etc.? Well, why not one that scans the license plate and allows you to interrupt their philosophical call on what’s for dinner just to get them increase the speed to the speed limit. This is why I have no faith in technology, it has slowed us and dumbed us down, except blogs – they are great as a tool for the total release of stress and anxiety after an hour of commuting in the slow lane. So since I never text, talk, or blog while driving, I have to sing loud and change lyrics to fit my mood. With that in mind it’s time for my patented, registered and trademarked sing alongs.

Life in the Slow Lane

He was driving hard in the passing lane
She pulled in front of him the speed of a turtle
She held him up and rush hour traffic for miles, in the heart
of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a impatient dude
He flashed signs, that they said were rather crude
They had one thing in common, they were
crazy in the head
She’d say, ‘Faster, faster. The lights are turnin’ yellow.”

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind, mm
Are you with me so far?

Eager for action to pass from the center lane
She cut him off – that crazy #$%^&* dame!
She cut off all the right people, she created her own lanes
They threw outrageous fingers, they paid heavenly repair bills
There were lines of cars in the mirror, a smile on her face
She pretended not to notice, her driving was a disgrace.

Out every day, it’s the same old game
He was too tired to fight it, so he just sang the same old song.

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the slow lane, I just want to get home
Life in the slow lane, ugh ugh

Braking and slamming, blinded by near death
They didn’t see the stop sign,
took a right turn from the left lane

She said, “Listen, baby. I pay my taxes same as you.
I’ll drive up and down this highway;
And there’s not a friggin thing you can do!”
He said, “Text the driver. I’d really like to pass.”
“Go ahead buddy, your not about to pass my #$%!”
They went slugging down that freeway,
messed around and got lost
They didn’t care they were just texting to get off

And it was life in the slow lane
Didn’t you see that sign?
Life in the slow lane
With the brainless and the blind.

If you would love this song on your dumbphone, just text me and I’ll download it for 55 cents.