Coffee Chaos – February 2014 (Lord of the Latte, Extended Version)

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a Lord of the Rings junkie.  So when I saw this picture on Facebook without a caption, I had to steal it and with my magic staff knowledge of Photoshop and add a snappy little saying to it.

Although I love Lord of the Rings, it is ripe for a lifetime of parodies including a never ending parody on “Lord of the Latte” or “Lord of the Bean”  (starring none other than Sean Bean).  I could easily play the voice of Sauron in the morning before one drop of coffee. Here’s a sample:

Osh Gosh Bnosh Riptator Ungoly Bosh

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to,  God hurry up Mr. Coffee!  Brew faster you sucker!

I often wonder if my addiction to Colombian Supremo is a curse by some Colombian Dark Bean Lord named Sauron Valdez, the evil twin of Juan Valdez, because honestly there is nothing worthy hanging on to in life without coffee, well, other than the 5:00 wine hour.  Besides you need the alcohol in wine to counteract the caffeine in the coffee.  The balance of life on this upper earth is at stake.

Once I’ve had one cup I’m ready for my Gollum/Smeagol impersonation.  Here you can see me writhing as I fondle my coffee mug.  Yes, I wrote fondle, what of it?

It came to me, my preciousss’s’s (sic) Gollum

Nobody likes you! Gollum

After a pot of Supremo they do! Smeagol

No they don’t, coffee hog! Gollum

Go away.  I hate you. Smeagol

I can’t go away you fool. Without me you’d be nowhere. It’s the Supremo talking. Gollum

How my wife has stayed married to me for almost 34 years now is as mysterious as why the fellowship didn’t take Eagle Express Airlines to mount doom.  I mean, come on, I’m all for quests but 3 movies and 4 hours each contributes to obesity.  You have to consume 5 large cartons of popcorn and 3 monster soda’s to survive the extended version marathon.  Well, unless you are like me and then you just drink Supremo from beginning to end and actually look like Gollum at the end.  Then we get to add on the Hobbit trilogy extended version and actually convert to Gollum Couch Potato (PO-TA-TOE).

And speaking of Mount Doom, what fool invented decaffeinated coffee?  Do you drink decocoanated hot chocolate? Or alchol free wine, a Mai Tai, or Sneaky Tiki? Oh hell no you don’t!  Whoever invented this concept should be thrust into the flames for whence they belong.  For without caffeine, I do my most famous Sauron impersonation:

Osh Crappo Raggol Bean Def Dafool

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to, There is no life in the void, only decaffeinated death!