A Feet Defeat Fete

If you read my last post I’ve added 2 billion new followers for incredibly brilliant humor such as the one you are about to read.  Recently, we moved from the island of Kauai to Naples, Florida.  The picture above is of two warm feet in the black sand beach of the big Island – Hawaii.  We thought that at least we’d get the same weather and could run around in our thongs, I mean slippers.  In West Texas they are called thongs or flip flops, in Hawaii it is called a slipper.  To me a slipper is something a woman wears underneath.  Uh, well the same goes for thongs, but that’s not the point of this post.  I will try not to digress, but geniuses can’t be boxed in when the moment is right, kinda like Cialis daily use. Uh no, back to feet. But I am open to sponsors.

So here I was running around in my slippers about a week ago and BOOM – a dose of polar vortex and bomb cyclones.  It has become so unseasonably cold here in Florida that Iguanas are falling out of trees from a serious case of brain freeze, no really, I kid you not.  All of this means is that my wife’s feet are now cold and like a heat-seeking missile of massive destruction she finds a way to locate my warm inner thighs as I’m about to fall asleep.  This is why I have insomnia, for fear of a sneak attack.  I tell you, she’s a contortionist.  I’m barely flexible enough to put on a pair of socks let alone find a position to get retaliation against her.  I tried once and fell out of the bed. I swear she only married me for my body heat.  But after the invasion of my private safe zone, I’m cold too.  Now I’m wearing socks too which means I can’t wear my thongs, I mean slippers.

What is it with our feet?  If mine get cold the rest of the body suffers.  It’s like a dog coming out of the water.  They start shaking from the tail and it works its way to the nose. My nose can get cold first, no big deal, the second my feet are exposed, it’s an all day ordeal to warm up the rest of the body. Are our feet the center of our body and sole (sic – for my grammar nazi followers)?  I’ve read that many ailments can be solved by massaging certain areas of the sole.

We’ve been watching Poldark on Amazon Prime and there’s this pastor who has a foot fetish.  Are cold feet similar to a fungi flavored popsicles?  Anytime he sees naked toes he goes nuts.  Maybe I ought to introduce him to my wife.  Like a football punter who can raise his leg high and quick, that’s my wife.  She can have one foot in his mouth on the count of hut one, hut two.  What does hut mean anyway?  She’s always asking me to get down in the center’s position so she can pretend to be quarterback.  I’m not taking any hut-huts from her, I know it’s just a ploy for the proper placement of her cold hands. I think hut is the sound we make when cold hands invade our private parts, so it just became part of the sport.

Now I’ve offered to buy my wife one of those very sexy full body fleeced baby jumpers they advertise along with a  two-story stuffed teddy bear she can dive into and disappear so that it would keep her warm, OH NO, she wants to torture me instead and I’m not interested in foot BDSM.  I just want to sleep and not have dreams of Elsie from Frozen singing to me,  “Let them thaw, let them thaw.”  I’ve even offered to move us to Ecuador, so that no vortex, cyclone, or tsunami of frozen iguanas could interfere.  Sadly, even then she’d drink so many margaritas that she’d get cold there too.  I just can’t win, but I am certainly not about to declare a defeat by feet.

Well that’s my update on winter 2018 – live from Naples, Florida.  This is Flinch Furrblaster signing off.