![\"Heart](\"https:\/\/ewgreenlee.files.wordpress.com\/2018\/01\/wine.jpg?w=600&resize=300%2C300\")
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I made a resolution to not drink as much wine in 2018.\u00a0 My tongue was turning purple and it was getting to be a budget breaker.\u00a0 You see I’m an anal accountant, although I’ve never done any accounting where that body part was involved.\u00a0 So I quit on December 30.\u00a0 I’ve found I feel a lot better, my pants aren’t as tight, and I don’t experience as much dry-mouth as before.<\/p>\n
My wife went to a quilt show where she represented herself as a vendor, she even won three ribbons, 1st, 2nd and 3rd for quilts she placed in the show – a true Greenlee Trifecta!\u00a0 She brought back a bottle of wine.\u00a0 Now yesterday was a perfect day to sit on our lanai here in east Naples, Florida.\u00a0 There were no rampaging Bears, Chipmunks, Squirrels or Raccoons.\u00a0 There were no blood-sucking monster-sized mosquitoes, or midges flying up your nose and dive bombing into your wine glass.\u00a0 It was a perfect day, no false nuclear attack alarms, etc, etc.<\/p>\n
So I decided to have one half-glass of her wine. Whoa!\u00a0 It was like I was drinking when I was 14 years old on cheap Boone’s Farm wine. That one glass had me super relaxed and even a little tipsy.\u00a0 It relaxed me so much I was ready to go to bed at 7:30 pm, right in the middle of a documentary on Thomas Edison, who never invented anything related to wine drinkers, so I’m not sure if it was boredom, the wine, or a combination of the two.<\/p>\n
Now I fully admit to being the type of person that if there is a bottle of wine to be opened it should also be consumed in one setting.\u00a0 That’s means I get six glasses and my wife gets one.\u00a0 Hey, I can’t help if she drinks slow and I have a big mouth. There’s a new Twitter trend going against me now – #BackOffWino.<\/p>\n
This is the way I’ve always been when ever there is anything that provides me with pleasure.\u00a0 For example, as a child my parents struggled financially, so candy was rarely in the house.\u00a0 When there was, my mom created hiding spaces to keep me from eating the entire bag.\u00a0 So I tried to outsmart her by leaving one piece in the bag where she hid it.\u00a0 So a bag of 50 Snickers was reduced to just one Snicker.\u00a0 It was always evident who did this, because of my sugar induced coma and its symptoms, severe stomach aches, etc.\u00a0 I just thought I was a clever genius at the time.\u00a0 The funny truth is one time my mother hid a bag that both she and I could not find until she remodeled her kitchen 20-years later. Serves her right, it is the oppression I endured that has led me to my affliction.\u00a0 I’m writing a new book, “Mommie Dearest, No More Snack Hiding Places – EVER!”\u00a0 \u00a0 At Halloween I’d pull a wagon so I could haul in about 300 pounds of sugar coated this and that.\u00a0 This would last me about one week.<\/p>\n
I’m also this way with Ice Cream Sandwiches, there is no box big enough to satisfy me.\u00a0 Beef Jerky and Bacon are also casualties of the domestic bliss in my house.\u00a0 I have no will power.\u00a0 It’s the devil’s work I tell you.\u00a0 In the past, if my wife left for a quilt retreat or a show, well, it’s a hedonistic ho down at my house.\u00a0 Breakfast – eggs, bacon, bacon and bacon, orange juice and prunes – yes prunes.\u00a0 Lunch – a sensible sandwich wrap with a layer of bacon.\u00a0 Dinner – a salad, with bacon bits, and maybe some nuked leftover turkey leg.\u00a0 This was followed by a small snack on the hour every hour, finished off with a bottle of wine. \u00a0 Of course, like with my mother, I made certain to hide all evidence, except leaving one out of guilt.<\/p>\n
Another of my 2018 goals was to lose weight.\u00a0 I did some research and it appears there are about 3,500 calories are in a pound of fat.\u00a0 Next step, find my ideal weight.\u00a0 The BMI scale shows I’d be best suited between 140 and 183.\u00a0 Now at 140 that would be close to my high school weight, which means I look like the Super Model “Twiggy”.\u00a0 At 183 would equal my buff college days where regular weight lifting and running, playing football, basketball, tennis, etc.\u00a0 I’m 58 now, yoga stretching exercises for flexibility is about the extent of my physical exercise, so that means controlling calories has to be the key.\u00a0 This means you eat twigs, that’s how she became to be known as “Twiggy”. Twigs have 0.002 calories.\u00a0 So if I eat the contents of my backyard, I’d be taking in about 300 calories, but I’d have to fight off my Raccoon, who is very territorial.\u00a0 Even he hides twigs from me.\u00a0 This means I will lose 60 pounds this week.<\/p>\n
But I found the Walrus Weight Watchers BMI that stated 225 was about right for me and that’s exactly what I weight.\u00a0 Woo Hoo! Perspective is everything.\u00a0 So binging on a 1\/2 glass of wine was my celebration for reaching my weight goal in just two weeks. Take that Jenny Brag and Weight Whackers!<\/p>\n
I love wine, but I really needed to curb my enthusiasm for it, which leads me to a little poetry:<\/p>\n
Oh wine, oh wine, it’s not just for winter or summertime.<\/em><\/p>\n It goes well with bacon sauteed in butter and bacon, which does not ryhme.<\/em><\/p>\n For those whose lips will never touch wine,<\/em><\/p>\n Pass it over to me it will be gone in no time.<\/em><\/p>\n Wine oh my wine, my readers love you too,<\/em><\/p>\n That’s why it’s a tag, to pull in a sucker or two.<\/em><\/p>\n I wish I could control thee for 2018,<\/em><\/p>\n But I picked the wrong year to stop acting like a rebellious teen.<\/em><\/p>\n Oh wine, my precious wine, I wish my budget you didn’t shatter,<\/em><\/p>\n Oh what the hell, here today and gone tomorrow, what does it matter?<\/em><\/p>\n I may not be kissed if you turn my tongue blue,<\/em><\/p>\n but I hear wine drinking celibate monks have a great view.<\/em><\/p>\n I will end this award winning poem in honor of you, <\/em><\/p>\n My wine, oh my wine, it’s time to unscrew.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I made a resolution to not drink as much wine in 2018.\u00a0 My tongue was turning purple and it was getting to be a budget breaker.\u00a0 You see I’m an anal accountant, although I’ve never done any accounting where that body part was involved.\u00a0 So I quit on December 30.\u00a0 I’ve found I feel a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[585,889,981,1342,1343],"class_list":{"0":"post-4041","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-humor","7":"tag-halloween","8":"tag-naples-florida","9":"tag-poetry","10":"tag-wine","11":"tag-wine-humor","12":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4041","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4041"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4041\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4041"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4041"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4041"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}