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If you read my last post I’ve added 2 billion new followers for incredibly brilliant humor such as the one you are about to read.\u00a0 Recently, we moved from the island of Kauai to Naples, Florida.\u00a0 The picture above is of two warm feet in the black sand beach of the big Island – Hawaii.\u00a0 We thought that at least we’d get the same weather and could run around in our thongs, I mean slippers.\u00a0 In West Texas they are called thongs or flip flops, in Hawaii it is called a slipper.\u00a0 To me a slipper is something a woman wears underneath.\u00a0 Uh, well the same goes for thongs, but that’s not the point of this post.\u00a0 I will try not to digress, but geniuses can’t be boxed in when the moment is right, kinda like Cialis daily use. Uh no, back to feet. But I am open to sponsors.<\/p>\n
So here I was running around in my slippers about a week ago and BOOM – a dose of polar vortex and bomb cyclones.\u00a0 It has become so unseasonably cold here in Florida that Iguanas are falling out of trees from a serious case of brain freeze, no really, I kid you not.\u00a0 All of this means is that my wife’s feet are now cold and like a heat-seeking missile of massive destruction she finds a way to locate my warm inner thighs as I’m about to fall asleep.\u00a0 This is why I have insomnia, for fear of a sneak attack.\u00a0 I tell you, she’s a contortionist.\u00a0 I’m barely flexible enough to put on a pair of socks let alone find a position to get retaliation against her.\u00a0 I tried once and fell out of the bed. I swear she only married me for my body heat.\u00a0 But after the invasion of my private safe zone, I’m cold too.\u00a0 Now I’m wearing socks too which means I can’t wear my thongs, I mean slippers.<\/p>\n
What is it with our feet?\u00a0 If mine get cold the rest of the body suffers.\u00a0 It’s like a dog coming out of the water.\u00a0 They start shaking from the tail and it works its way to the nose. My nose can get cold first, no big deal, the second my feet are exposed, it’s an all day ordeal to warm up the rest of the body. Are our feet the center of our body and sole (sic – for my grammar nazi followers)?\u00a0 I’ve read that many ailments can be solved by massaging certain areas of the sole.<\/p>\n
We’ve been watching Poldark on Amazon Prime and there’s this pastor who has a foot fetish.\u00a0 Are cold feet similar to a fungi flavored popsicles?\u00a0 Anytime he sees naked toes he goes nuts.\u00a0 Maybe I ought to introduce him to my wife.\u00a0 Like a football punter who can raise his leg high and quick, that’s my wife.\u00a0 She can have one foot in his mouth on the count of hut one, hut two.\u00a0 What does hut mean anyway?\u00a0 She’s always asking me to get down in the center’s position so she can pretend to be quarterback.\u00a0 I’m not taking any hut-huts from her, I know it’s just a ploy for the proper placement of her cold hands. I think hut is the sound we make when cold hands invade our private parts, so it just became part of the sport.<\/p>\n
Now I’ve offered to buy my wife one of those very sexy full body fleeced baby jumpers they advertise along with a\u00a0 two-story stuffed teddy bear she can dive into and disappear so that it would keep her warm, OH NO, she wants to torture me instead and I’m not interested in foot BDSM.\u00a0 I just want to sleep and not have dreams of Elsie from Frozen singing to me,\u00a0 “Let them thaw, let them thaw.”\u00a0 I’ve even offered to move us to Ecuador, so that no vortex, cyclone, or tsunami of frozen iguanas could interfere.\u00a0 Sadly, even then she’d drink so many margaritas that she’d get cold there too.\u00a0 I just can’t win, but I am certainly not about to declare a defeat by feet.<\/p>\n
Well that’s my update on winter 2018 – live from Naples, Florida.\u00a0 This is Flinch Furrblaster signing off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If you read my last post I’ve added 2 billion new followers for incredibly brilliant humor such as the one you are about to read.\u00a0 Recently, we moved from the island of Kauai to Naples, Florida.\u00a0 The picture above is of two warm feet in the black sand beach of the big Island – Hawaii.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[466,984,1346],"class_list":{"0":"post-4020","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-humor","7":"tag-feet-fetish-humor","8":"tag-poldark","9":"tag-winter-2018-humor","10":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4020","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4020"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4020\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4020"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4020"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4020"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}