{"id":2914,"date":"2015-02-25T17:39:47","date_gmt":"2015-02-25T23:39:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=2914"},"modified":"2015-02-25T17:39:47","modified_gmt":"2015-02-25T23:39:47","slug":"my-obituary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=2914","title":{"rendered":"My Obituary"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ReallyDeepThoughts\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I’ve never had really deep thoughts about an obituary until today.\u00a0 A 29 year-old lady at my office told me I was sweet for opening the door and answering her QuickBooks questions. My reply was that I was sweet because I didn’t want my obituary to read:<\/p>\n

“Mauled by female workers for not being sweet.”<\/em><\/p>\n

I am outnumbered 14-1 in this accounting practice.\u00a0 I need not say anything further on the subject matter. This prompted me to have really deep thoughts on other potential\u00a0obits such as,<\/p>\n

“Mauled by 50 Shaders who hated his blog posts.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Mauled by Female Coders.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Overexposed to love by 20 grandchildren.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Drowned in the slobbery of his Golden Retriever.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Massive brain trauma trying to figure out how\u00a0quickly\u00a0clients\u00a0foul up a set of\u00a0QuickBooks.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway going 25 MPH, on a clear sunny day.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway, by a drunk, texting Okie, driving a flaming 1976 Ford Pinto, during a polar vortex 12″ ice layer, driving 85 MPH.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Died on an\u00a0Oklahoma freeway accidentally running into a Lazy Boy recliner, Mathis Brothers Sofa, or a Sleep number mattress.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Caught pneumonia running into front yard when polar vortex suddenly appeared overnight.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Suffocated under his wife’s quilts.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Murdered when wife reads\u00a0above\u00a0obit.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Murdered by wife when she reads 29 year-old says he’s\u00a0sweet.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Murdered by wife when she learned he was sweet.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Died at desk preparing his 60,000,000 Form 1040.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Died in his sleep, wife suspected in murder when recording reveals he uttered his first fianc\u00e9es name.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Found blown to bits after toilet seat left lifted.”<\/em><\/p>\n

These are quite gruesome to say the least.\u00a0 But there is a recurring theme here, that I want investigated should I actually die.<\/p>\n

“Man killed\u00a0 from blog posts.\u00a0 Female assailants too many to narrow down.\u00a0 Authorities press charges against\u00a0wife.”<\/em><\/p>\n

I suppose I should clean up my act and get away from Oklahoma as fast as I can.<\/p>\n

Naaaaawwww….. that wouldn’t be any fun.<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve never had really deep thoughts about an obituary until today.\u00a0 A 29 year-old lady at my office told me I was sweet for opening the door and answering her QuickBooks questions. My reply was that I was sweet because I didn’t want my obituary to read: “Mauled by female workers for not being sweet.” […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[59,186,317,340,432,646,918,923,1018,1020,1200],"class_list":{"0":"post-2914","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-life-in-general","7":"tag-50-shades","8":"tag-bloggers","9":"tag-cpa","10":"tag-death","11":"tag-ew-greenlee","12":"tag-humor","13":"tag-obity","14":"tag-oklahoma","15":"tag-quickbooks","16":"tag-quilts","17":"tag-taxes","18":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2914","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2914"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2914\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2914"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2914"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2914"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}