{"id":2889,"date":"2015-01-02T17:39:40","date_gmt":"2015-01-02T23:39:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=2889"},"modified":"2015-01-02T17:39:40","modified_gmt":"2015-01-02T23:39:40","slug":"2014-a-review","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=2889","title":{"rendered":"2014 – A Review"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Happy2015\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Honestly, I don’t remember much about this past year.\u00a0 It was a blur.\u00a0 I think we had a polar corset, pineapple espressos,\u00a0or something like that. I increased my fiber intake. My college football team (OU) initially ranked #4 and ended #400 (out of a possible 130 teams) – who knew the odds of that?!\u00a0 I gained weight making the dough boy proud and very rich.\u00a0 I converted from beer to wine because I was convinced the redness had health benefits, even though\u00a0 my teeth are so stained, I am now confused with Nosferatu.\u00a0 I wrote very little and generally was not in a laughing mood (I blame the fiber).<\/p>\n

\"CalvinAndEddie\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I watched “Moving to Hawaii”<\/em> and tried to move to Kauai, Hawaii. This is of course if I can find a home or cardboard box\u00a0that I can afford and isn’t snatched up before I can get there, or\u00a0 leased by wild free roaming roosters.\u00a0 If any of my loyal readers are from Hawaii,\u00a0has a place to lease, and is willing to take my gas passing Golden Retriever (yes, I lay blame on the poor dog and the fiber), please respond by commenting here.<\/p>\n

I grew older – dagnabit!\u00a0 Even AARP stopped sending new member applications.\u00a0 Instead, I received\u00a0the OFP (Old Fart People) membership application, which was\u00a0really\u00a0less confusing with only three simple questions:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Are you over 55?<\/li>\n
  2. Do you require massive doses of fiber?<\/li>\n
  3. Can you pay us $5?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    It was so simple, I completed the application in 15 seconds and saved 15000% over AARP.\u00a0 I have been approached to be the official OFP spokesperson.\u00a0 I’m thinking it over.\u00a0 I am highly qualified and they have offered me a free set of Yoga pants, because I began practicing in 2014 so I could be bend forward to cut my toe nails.<\/p>\n

    That’s it.\u00a0 Exciting huh?\u00a0 With this in mind, I’ve made my 2015 resolutions:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Cut down on the fiber, at my wife’s pleading and my Golden’s howling.<\/li>\n
    2. Cut down on wine and women.\u00a0 Oh wait… that was a dream… never mind.<\/li>\n
    3. Write more excellent humor like that displayed here.<\/li>\n
    4. Perfect my sneers and do it more often, then blame it on the fiber and the Golden.<\/li>\n
    5. Get to Kauai even if I have to dress like a wild free roaming rooster and blend in with the indigenous population.<\/li>\n
    6. Bundle up for more polar corsets and\u00a0pineapple espressos.<\/li>\n
    7. Lose 35 pounds in 100 months or less.<\/li>\n
    8. Fit into my Yoga pants (visualize that NOW!)<\/li>\n
    9. Stay awake past\u00a09:00 pm.<\/li>\n
    10. Learn new words to include in the 4 books I WILL COMPLETE THIS YEAR!!!!<\/li>\n
    11. Take writing anxiety drugs, supplemented by\u00a0the other 30\u00a0counter effect drugs.<\/li>\n
    12. File suit against the pharmaceutical companies for my 31 new\u00a02015 drug addictions.<\/li>\n
    13. Bend far enough forward to see past my belly and notice the official OFP brand logo on the\u00a0Yoga pants.<\/li>\n
    14. Stay positive –\u00a0despite all the 15,000 people who will want to be president in 2016.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      So you say it’s impossible to meet all these?!\u00a0 Maybe so, but as the official spokesperson of OFP, I won’t remember any of it tomorrow.\u00a0 That’s my excuse and I am sticking to it!\u00a0 With age comes wisdom – use it or lose it.\u00a0 I’ve chosen to lose it.<\/p>\n

      May you each have a happy, healthy,\u00a0prosperous and fiber free 2015.<\/p>\n

      Legal Disclaimer – you may not sue me for the mental damage suffered visualizing an OFP member, or its spokesperson in Yoga pants.<\/strong><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Honestly, I don’t remember much about this past year.\u00a0 It was a blur.\u00a0 I think we had a polar corset, pineapple espressos,\u00a0or something like that. I increased my fiber intake. My college football team (OU) initially ranked #4 and ended #400 (out of a possible 130 teams) – who knew the odds of that?!\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[63,432,456,471,545,599,646,713,924,939,972,983,1097,1342,1350,1359,1360],"class_list":{"0":"post-2889","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"tag-aarp-humor","8":"tag-ew-greenlee","9":"tag-fashion","10":"tag-fiber","11":"tag-golden-retrievers","12":"tag-hawaii","13":"tag-humor","14":"tag-kauai","15":"tag-oklahoma-sooners","16":"tag-ou","17":"tag-pineapple-express","18":"tag-polar-vortex","19":"tag-sex","20":"tag-wine","21":"tag-women","22":"tag-yoga","23":"tag-yoga-pants","24":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2889","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2889"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2889\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2889"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2889"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2889"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}