{"id":2456,"date":"2013-07-17T10:37:01","date_gmt":"2013-07-17T15:37:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=2456"},"modified":"2013-07-17T10:37:01","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T15:37:01","slug":"cougar-boot-camp","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=2456","title":{"rendered":"Cougar Boot Camp"},"content":{"rendered":"

I read a lot, mostly financial news, but I glance at articles regarding the trends of society.\u00a0 I am an independent and worldly thinker, I read liberal and conservative news sources, as well as foreign sources.\u00a0 It was yesterday I read this on Fox News, which some of you will immediately think I am right wing nutcase. That’s your choice, I just want both sides of the opinion camps before I apply logic and reason to make up my mind.\u00a0 Sometimes you find the most interesting articles, such as this one.<\/p>\n

Top 10 Cougar Resorts<\/a><\/h1>\n

We would send our golden retriever to a pet resort when we traveled, but how does one corral a cougar to get to the animal resort?\u00a0 Being an extremely curious person I read on.\u00a0 Boy was I uninformed!\u00a0 All of a sudden, I felt as though I had been released from a medieval prison to see the first light of modern era, the renaissance of absurdity.\u00a0 I had no idea men eating women existed!\u00a0 The article says women don’t take young men to the resorts, they prefer to flirt and hit on the resort staff, especially tennis and golf coaches.<\/p>\n

Hmm…<\/p>\n

Having the devious mind of writer and a robber baron, I am beginning to see the financial possibilities of a Cougar Boot Camp.<\/p>\n

For $2,000 you can spend a weekend at Big Bollock’s Bobby’s Cougar Boot Camp.\u00a0 That’s right, but this isn’t for the cougars, but for young men who want desperately to be cougar meat – a slab of mouth watering affluent confident woman spare ribs.\u00a0 You can have it all!\u00a0 There’s nothing that says “Modern Man” like having your very own sugar momma.\u00a0 Although I thought there was once a similar term, like “gigolo”, but then again I’ve just arrived, a survivor of the Spanish inquisition and I may be mistaken.<\/p>\n

Here’s the agenda.<\/p>\n

Day 1, Saturday – Attraction Mode:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Pole Stretching<\/em> – in order to obtain the highest tips, one must have buns tighter than a paper clip of titanium.<\/li>\n
  2. Faux Tennis Instructor<\/em> – by the end of the two hour session, your cougar will be able to leap over the net in a single bound.\u00a0 Then the real lessons begin!<\/li>\n
  3. Faux Golf Lessons<\/em> – Here you will be taught to assist your cougar with her swing.\u00a0 If you never leave the tee box from your efforts, you are sweet cougar meat – congratulations!<\/li>\n
  4. Waiter in a French Waiter Outfit<\/em> – You will learn the ancient art of “bend and scoop.”\u00a0 Sooo wrong on sooo many levels, but hey, if the cougar persists you have no choice.<\/li>\n
  5. Cougar Sack Race<\/em> – use your own imagination, sicko!<\/li>\n
  6. 50 Shades Disco Night and Spin the Bottle<\/em> – hey, you dared to be a cougar hunter, but no one said it would be pain free!\u00a0 Sorry no refunds.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Now your ready for day 2.<\/p>\n

    Day 2, Sunday – Survival Mode<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Rose Colored Glasses<\/em> – you will be supplied your very own personal pair of rose colored glasses.\u00a0 This will ease the pain of the day’s glare and other sights.<\/li>\n
    2. Antacid Eating<\/em> – set the world’s record.\u00a0 Current record is held by Carlos Javier.<\/li>\n
    3. 151 Rum<\/em> – a compliment to the rose colored glasses. Heed the warning label about exposure to flame and menopausal cougars.<\/li>\n
    4. Listening Skills<\/em> – it’s not about you, it has never been about you, this is the cougar conundrum.<\/li>\n
    5. False Accent<\/em> – nothing kills a cougar like an accent, whether a Scottish knight, a french king, or a Wahabi Bush Medicine Doctor. Be mesmerizing.<\/li>\n
    6. False Flattery<\/em> – to compliment your false accent, should you be asked about your opinion on the cougar’s appearance, you must have the wisdom to utter only complimentary words such as, “Yez madam le cougar, zee ure zee moss beautooful voman in zee univass!”<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \"Hairless\"<\/a>
      Carlos Fernando “Cougar Killer” Javier
      Tums World Record Holder – 3 cases<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

      That’s it!\u00a0 You are ready to tame the tigress in every affluent single middle aged woman at the resort.\u00a0 Big Bollocks Bobby is pleased to have guided you in your transformation to modern man.<\/p>\n

      Absurd?!\u00a0 Hey, I don’t write the news, I just abuse it. Which brings me to the point where I hit on you, the reader, to buy my newest book, Cougar Zombies in Love – <\/em>a middle aged wannabe young adult female classic to be. Welcome to the modern adult<\/em> world.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      I read a lot, mostly financial news, but I glance at articles regarding the trends of society.\u00a0 I am an independent and worldly thinker, I read liberal and conservative news sources, as well as foreign sources.\u00a0 It was yesterday I read this on Fox News, which some of you will immediately think I am right […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[271,308,310,432,445,646,835,1355],"class_list":{"0":"post-2456","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-life-in-general","7":"tag-clean-shaven","8":"tag-cougar-resorts","9":"tag-cougars","10":"tag-ew-greenlee","11":"tag-false-flattery","12":"tag-humor","13":"tag-modern-men","14":"tag-wuss","15":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2456"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2456"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2456"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2456"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}