{"id":2171,"date":"2013-05-08T15:54:52","date_gmt":"2013-05-08T20:54:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=2171"},"modified":"2013-05-08T15:54:52","modified_gmt":"2013-05-08T20:54:52","slug":"when-you-cant-breathe-its-sexy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=2171","title":{"rendered":"When You Can’t Breathe, It’s Sexy"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"cough\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There is nothing funny about having allergies and the inability to breathe and sleep.\u00a0 Lately here in Oklahoma we jump up in temperature and then fall back to cold weather.\u00a0 Well, mother nature’s cruel humor finally caught up with me.\u00a0 Today I am fine, but for ten days, I was a wreck.\u00a0 I believe the mudder had me in her grips like a Panic Pete toy.<\/p>\n

\"PanicPete\"<\/a><\/p>\n

That’s right, my eyes were blue and my eardrums fiery red.\u00a0 I increased the GDP of the USA with my consumption of vitamins, allergy medicine and tissue.\u00a0 I drank so much water out of the local aquifer,\u00a0 a sinkhole formed. But what came out of my sinus and chest wasn’t red. I just want to know one thing.\u00a0 How in the world can the body produce so much disgusting stuff?\u00a0 You know what I refer to. I don’t even need to speak it. Oh but I will, it’s called sputum.\u00a0 Oh, you thought I was going to refer to phlegm, mucous, or snot?\u00a0 Well I could have, but then I would have grossed you out completely.<\/p>\n

Some scientists believe there is no true purpose for a sinus.\u00a0 My sinus is my life’s bane.\u00a0 Many years ago, I had sinus surgery to correct a deviated septum, clear out a fungus and polyps, and one small VW Beetle. Even I was grossed out what the body was capable of producing.\u00a0 The doctor placed a tube in my nostril and vacuumed the stuffing out of me.\u00a0 I was concerned for awhile that part of my brain was extracted by Dr. Hoover. Then I had to rinse with a combination of pickling salt and baking soda in a quart of warm water.\u00a0 I used a baby syringe to fire the concoction into my sinus.\u00a0 I was again flabbergasted at how much disgusting stuff could reside in my sinus.\u00a0 I didn’t have the Mucinex blob up there, I had a metropolitan sized gangsta blobster community up there.<\/p>\n

Now you are thinking to yourself, why in the hell is he writing about this absolutely disgusting topic?\u00a0 Well, I saw a post on Twitter that read something like this,<\/p>\n

“Follow @[NameWithheld] for the finest in #zombie #erotica.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

I kid you not!!!!\u00a0 Well sure, getting it on with a chick whose flesh is falling off is truly erotic – ooh baby! What kind of narrative would an erotic zombie novel contain?<\/p>\n

Oh baby, I love when you nibble on my ear and take a chunk out of my chest!<\/em><\/p>\n

Really?\u00a0 Have we run out of things that go with sex?\u00a0 Vampires, Werewolves, an insurance pig, etc, etc. So then it dawned on me, why not a erotic genre dedicated to sexy sinus sufferers?\u00a0 Just take a couple of Mucinex and GET IT ON!\u00a0 Why not?<\/p>\n

Because it’s disgustingly absurd, that’s why.\u00a0 Although I may have been sick, the absurd world just keeps on turning.\u00a0 Now that I am healthy and sputum free, it’s back to my insane ramblings.<\/p>\n

Did you miss me?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is nothing funny about having allergies and the inability to breathe and sleep.\u00a0 Lately here in Oklahoma we jump up in temperature and then fall back to cold weather.\u00a0 Well, mother nature’s cruel humor finally caught up with me.\u00a0 Today I am fine, but for ten days, I was a wreck.\u00a0 I believe the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[311,432,646,865,866,965,1097,1117,1136,1165,1291,1307,1336,1364],"class_list":{"0":"post-2171","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"tag-coughing","8":"tag-ew-greenlee","9":"tag-humor","10":"tag-mucinex","11":"tag-mucous","12":"tag-phlegm","13":"tag-sex","14":"tag-sinus","15":"tag-snot","16":"tag-sputum","17":"tag-vampires","18":"tag-vw-beetle","19":"tag-werewolves","20":"tag-zombies","21":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2171","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2171"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2171\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2171"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2171"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2171"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}