{"id":2091,"date":"2013-04-15T13:54:22","date_gmt":"2013-04-15T18:54:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=2091"},"modified":"2013-04-15T13:54:22","modified_gmt":"2013-04-15T18:54:22","slug":"the-other-f-word-the-devil-made-me-do-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=2091","title":{"rendered":"The Other “F” Word – The Devil Made Me Do It"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Devil\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I read the news to stay current with current affairs and to write redundant sentences, such as this current one. I swear you cannot make this stuff up.\u00a0 It is out of the headlines of our absurd news. This story appeared out of nowhere like a green methane fog.<\/p>\n

http:\/\/newsok.com\/man-sues-bishop-for-failing-to-exorcise-flatulent-demons\/article\/3782304<\/a><\/p>\n

Flatulent Demons – that’s right!\u00a0 It’s now my newest excuse to use on my wife.\u00a0 It’s the church’s fault that the demon vault has been opened.\u00a0 Beelzebubblebutt is his namo.\u00a0 After reading this I am going to the local church and ask for an exorcism. When my affliction remains, I’ll sue for $10 million. I deserve it right? I mean really, I didn’t win honorable mention in the latest Powerball drawing.\u00a0 I’m entitled to something for my lack of luck in life and high gas pressure content, right?\u00a0\u00a0 I have a witness to my possession.\u00a0 Late at night the grumblings occur and the sheets quake and my wife calls out in agony,<\/p>\n

OMG – are you possessed?\u00a0 What’s inside you?\u00a0 I swear it’s like a lake of sulfur in here burning my eyes!<\/em><\/p>\n

See!!!!\u00a0 I have indisputable corroborating evidence.\u00a0 Wives never lie! So next time she screams in the darkness, I am going to use a low voice,<\/p>\n

This is Beelzebubblebutt, it’s not his fault. Bwahahaha.<\/em><\/p>\n

She will shake me and I will gently rollover and say, “What?”<\/p>\n

There’s a demon in here!<\/em><\/p>\n

Yes honey I know, I’ve filed motion in the district court against the church.\u00a0 They failed to exorcise my hiney.<\/em><\/p>\n

Only you can exercise your hiney. I’m not falling for this for a moment<\/em>, she says.<\/p>\n

Not exercise, like at the gym, like a demon exorcism.\u00a0 You know the one’s that make millions at the box office?<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, that’s not funny, now I have to get out of the warm bed and go to the bathroom, you *$(#)#@@!
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Geez, humor is so wasted on a wife.\u00a0 I roll over and then there’s a rumbling, from her side, and a new fog rises, along with the bed. A reddish yellow haze fills the room and I dare take a whiff.<\/p>\n

OMG – my eyes, my eyes.\u00a0 What the <\/em>*$(#)#@@! <\/em>was that?<\/em><\/p>\n

Next thing I know my wife is speaking in tongues – with ten tongues. She twirls her head around and spits pea soup at me.\u00a0 In a deep and malevolent voice she says,<\/p>\n

“My flatulent demon – Assmodeus. Bwahahaha.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Touche! I high-five her, we have an other-worldly laugh, and I give her a little golden faux Oscar trophy- Winner of Best Special Effects. There’s nothing worse than a showoff wife!\u00a0 However, when you dare to look on the bright side of life, I now have a class action lawsuit.\u00a0 Oh, the devil made me do it.<\/p>\n

What news article have you read lately that just seemed too unreal and so funny that you accidentally passed a demon?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I read the news to stay current with current affairs and to write redundant sentences, such as this current one. I swear you cannot make this stuff up.\u00a0 It is out of the headlines of our absurd news. This story appeared out of nowhere like a green methane fog. http:\/\/newsok.com\/man-sues-bishop-for-failing-to-exorcise-flatulent-demons\/article\/3782304 Flatulent Demons – that’s right!\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[266,349,432,435,446,453,454,455,482,646,749,899,937,1339,1349],"class_list":{"0":"post-2091","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"tag-church","8":"tag-demons","9":"tag-ew-greenlee","10":"tag-exorcism","11":"tag-faltulence","12":"tag-fart","13":"tag-farting","14":"tag-farts","15":"tag-flatulent","16":"tag-humor","17":"tag-lawsuits","18":"tag-news","19":"tag-oscar","20":"tag-wife","21":"tag-wives","22":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2091","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2091"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2091\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2091"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2091"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2091"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}