{"id":1882,"date":"2013-03-12T09:54:47","date_gmt":"2013-03-12T14:54:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ewgreenlee.wordpress.com\/?p=1882"},"modified":"2013-03-12T09:54:47","modified_gmt":"2013-03-12T14:54:47","slug":"the-other-f-word-bran-brand-bombs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/?p=1882","title":{"rendered":"The Other “F” Word – Bran Brand Bombs"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Please<\/a>
Please! No bran today. I beg of you.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I always watch my blog statistics to see what people are interested in reading.\u00a0 Appears Farts<\/strong> are leading the interest of our intellect craving nation, well, other than sex.\u00a0 Today’s commentary has to do with the inappropriate branding and nutrition information of cereals that have fiber as an ingredient.\u00a0 There needs to a rating on each box on the fart bombs the cereal might produce.\u00a0 The rating scale should be from FF1 to FF5. This may sound very similar to the Fujita Tornado Damage Scale,\u00a0 but it is actually the Flatulence Flatline Scale.\u00a0 The scale at which the human generated hydrogen sulfide gas content can actually kill you. We have not tested, nor plan to test wind speeds. Should you ever see a text message that includes this acronym; WTFF5, please come to that person’s rescue immediately.\u00a0 I love how environmentalists blame methane on cows. The poor bovines weren’t eating human processed fiber foods.<\/p>\n

Cereal should also be titled appropriately. For example, a cereal named “Cracklin Fart Bran” is certainly more informative.\u00a0 Hey, we all love cracklin farts, which only rank an FF1. You may think this sounds absurd and childishly silly.\u00a0 Those who are in their 20’s don’t need fiber; they just need love, energy drinks, tattoos and sex to survive, now that’s silly.\u00a0 Let me tell you, a day is coming where you and fiber will become intimate friends.\u00a0 This brings me to one of my favorites – Fiber One.\u00a0 I love this breakfast bar brand, but my wife believes it should be branded – Fiber OMG, WTFF5, Run For The Hills Bran Bomb<\/em>.\u00a0 These potent bars are FF5 capable, trust me.\u00a0 You want a sandy beach to yourself?\u00a0 Eat a box before venturing onto the beach.\u00a0 Add lots of water, the hot sun, and presto! Empty beach.\u00a0 Oh and be sure to have a dog or cow on standby to lay blame, if they are still standing, and a port-o-pottie.<\/p>\n

Here is my idea of the top 10 brands that need rebranding and the appropriate FF bomb disclosure:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Coo Coo for Cocoa Poots – FF1<\/li>\n
  2. Fruit Loopy Toots – FF1<\/li>\n
  3. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser – FF2<\/li>\n
  4. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser with PushBerries and Peanut Butter – FF3<\/li>\n
  5. Trixx’s Bran Bomb – Requires finger pulling for FF scale meter reader. Watch out, it can be trixxy.<\/li>\n
  6. Cracklin Fart Bran – FF1<\/li>\n
  7. Raisin Bran Bombs – FF5<\/li>\n
  8. Raisin Bran and Nuts Bombs – FF5+<\/li>\n
  9. Raisin Bran Multi-Grain and Nuts Bombs – FF5 Turbo+<\/li>\n
  10. All Bran Bombs – (FF Nuclear Option)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Now there’s not just cereal, but there are also bars and toaster tarts:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Popfarts – FF1<\/li>\n
    2. Fartnation Instant Fodder Bars – FF3<\/li>\n
    3. Nutri-Nuclear Grains Bar – (FF Nuclear Option in a Bar)<\/li>\n
    4. Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars – FF5<\/li>\n
    5. Quakering Oats Breakfast Bars – FF5<\/li>\n
    6. Natures Foggy Valley Total Grain Explosion Bars – FF5, 10th power of F.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      As you can see you have options, especially for a wife who has “Broken the Barrier.”\u00a0 If you open the pantry and see old-fashioned Oatmeal or Cream of Wheat, you are safe for now.\u00a0 No one ever died from an FF1 food source.\u00a0 But should you start noticing a shelf dedicated to Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars<\/em>, just know your wife is seeking revenge.\u00a0 Whoever said women were the milder and meeker sex should be shot.\u00a0 For three decades my wife insisted she did not fart, she only tooted.\u00a0 When I suspected a toot she just blamed it on our dogs.\u00a0 Funny, I just noticed we have always had dogs.\u00a0 But today, the jig is up!\u00a0 In the back of the pantry I found her secret – Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers<\/em><\/strong>, a definite FF5 candidate.\u00a0 Add whole milk and you create a new gas – H2OMG.<\/p>\n

      \"Please.<\/a>
      Please!!! Not Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers! WTFF5! I beg of you. H2OMG!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

      I should have been a monk. Have a nice day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      I always watch my blog statistics to see what people are interested in reading.\u00a0 Appears Farts are leading the interest of our intellect craving nation, well, other than sex.\u00a0 Today’s commentary has to do with the inappropriate branding and nutrition information of cereals that have fiber as an ingredient.\u00a0 There needs to a rating on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[243,432,436,437,453,454,455,513,644,646,1193,1247],"class_list":{"0":"post-1882","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"tag-cereal","8":"tag-ew-greenlee","9":"tag-f1","10":"tag-f5","11":"tag-fart","12":"tag-farting","13":"tag-farts","14":"tag-gas","15":"tag-humanity","16":"tag-humor","17":"tag-tattoo","18":"tag-tornado","19":"czr-hentry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1882"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1882\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allivarcreative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}