Ladies – how many of you would willingly marry a guy named Frodo? Come on admit it. He’s the most famous of Hobbits. He’s inherited Bag End and he knows all those hottie elves, right? He has his own gardener and security officer, Samwise. But it all comes down to that moment of the wedding vows.
“With this one ring, I thee wed and place you into a second darkness. We means second paradise, precious – yes, yes.”
I don’t care how cute and cuddly he may be, this is your clue to run away, over the lonely mountains and through the woods to Legolas’ house you should go. There you will find refuge and envy as you comb his hair every evening and swear to cut off that perfect mane. Beware – he too loves things spotless and perfect, so you’d be invisible all the time cleaning, ironing and combing that hair. So off you rush to the arms of Gimli.
Gimli, being a slight bit taller than Frodo, is the opposite of Legolas – a slob! So back to the invisibility of cleaning and pulling fleas from that mangled mane. So, off you rush to the Aragorn wing of Minis Tirith.
To Aragorn you are just a shadow and a thorn as a guest. Arwen, a mere 3,000 years old, has been holding pent up emotions for decades for his love and that makes you a third wheel. She is in the middle of remodeling and you are invisible to her. You are not welcome as they talk elvish, turn to stare at you, and start laughing. That’s like, so awwwkward!
So now you have run out of options and you go there and back again. Frodo, still standing at the alter with Samwise turning into an evil Orc while holding the ring, looks at you forgiving, although he has lost a few teeth, appears skinnier and bald, not to mention green.
“My precious has returned to me, yes, yes.” He starts to rhyme and holds the ring as he recites:
“Give me hand all hard and cold,
for ages dark and vows be told
she does not see what lies ahead,
for golden ring blinds us wed
We cannot see the days of dread
for precious binds the living dead.”
Well, maybe Gimli’s not such a bad find after all. The moral to the story:
You might marry the most famous Hobbit,
but soon you’ll be the next Lorena Bobbit.
As Samwise would say about poetry “I think I’m gettin’ the hang of this!”
